Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Relationship OCD or ROCD: Is a sub-type of OCD that brings on doubts that attack your relationships. Causing doubts and questions about your feelings to this person, whether you should you be with them at all, or if they are they are even right person for you. These doubts, while particularly distressful have the potential to cause rifts in the relationship. If not addressed, can lead to an unhealthy relationship.
With ROCD, we see the obsessions and fears about ones relationships. Following the OCD cycle, an emotional reaction such as distress, anger or guilt may arise which then leads us to wanting to engage in a compulsion in order to get relief from that obsession. People with ROCD may be unable to accept having these thoughts. That the mere fact of having doubts about their relationship is enough to cause panic and overwhelming feelings.
Common ROCD Obsessions:
My feelings towards my partner.
Should I even be with them?
Are they even the right person for me?
My partners past sexual history.
What if they cheat on me?
Am I even attracted to them?
What if they don’t feel the same way about me?
These obsessions and doubts, like all sub-types of OCD have the potential for doubts to grow like a parasite and make me question the things I value most in my life. Because of these obsessions, compulsions are dangled in front of you, offering the short term relief from the distress.
To get that relief from the obsessions, compulsions become a quick and easy escape. The more engagement with compulsions, the more I reinforce that I can only manage obsessions by doing those compulsions. Keeping me stuck in the OCD cycle indefinitely.
Common ROCD Compulsions:
Reassurance seeking- Asking my friends/loved ones/partner questions to get that certainty.
Mental Review/Tracking- Making that pros and cons list in my head on if my partner is right for me. Listing reasons why I should stay with my partner. Repeating those lists over and over in my head. One might look to be gathering all the evidence for or against their fears in their head. Reviewing all the dates we went on, times they didn’t laugh at my jokes or times when they were quiet or mad at me.
Comparisons: One can spend hours comparing their relationship to others. Endless scrolling on social media, examining other couples and their relationships. Thinking of couples one may know and trying to figure out all the ways how their relationship works. What makes their relationship better or are we as happy as that other couple?
ROCD or Average Relationship Problem?
A difficult question that arises in therapy about whether my issue with my partner is fueled by ROCD or is this an average problem in our relationship that I should figure out. In every relationship, conflict and doubts are going to be inevitable. When making the distinction between the two, we try to look for a few factors. I can ask myself about how easy it is to let go of these doubts or worries. Do the thoughts flow easily and I can move on with ease? Or do they linger, and I ruminate over it endlessly. The former may point towards an average behavior while the latter seems to be based more in a compulsion and obsession. OCD wants to feed on those compulsions and if you are cycling through compulsions with themes of ROCD, we might be looking at ROCD rather than average problem.
Obsessions in the OCD cycle are going to lead to an emotional reaction such as anger, anxiety, guilt, distress. Without ROCD, I might be able to face that doubt without a high emotional expression. That distress may feel a lot stronger in OCD than without OCD. One of our biggest clues will be whether compulsions are present or not in this relationship problem. If I have that strong urge to engage in a compulsion or have been already, OCD might be the more likely answer compared to an average relationship problem.
When working with individuals with ROCD, you might come across someone struggling with ROCD themes who then leave their relationship and the OCD dissipates. I’ve had a number of people end therapy for this very reason! Convinced that it was more likely an average issue and the doubts they had were valid and justified. But a number of times have I had those same people reach out months later, when they start a new relationship and the ROCD themes begin to return! This repetition of doubts and obsessions that leaps from one relationship to the next is another tell tale sign of it being ROCD. One may even see these themes in other non romantic relationships in their life.
In therapy, we will use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) to help break the OCD cycle. ERP is an evidence based treatment that proves to be one of the most effective in treating OCD. In ERP, we gradually expose ourselves to the fears in small dosages. Learning effective response prevention measures and how to break the pattern of engaging in compulsions when facing distress. With ERP, you are able to learn effective measures in dealing with distress, proving to yourself that you can handle distress on your own without OCD. When fears and obsessions get to the level where functioning is reduced and I am spending hours on my compulsions, ERP is the way to gain back that sense of control and independence. For further information, please do not hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation. I would love to speak with you further on how ERP can help challenge your ROCD.
